How to Explain Mom Burnout to My Partner
Are you having a hard time figuring out how to explain to your partner that you are experiencing mom burnout? Are you worried your partner won’t understand, listen, or take you serious?
As you continue reading, you’ll learn 7 steps on how to talk to your partner about mom burnout.
What is Mom Burnout
Mom burnout is when you have been experiencing symptoms of overwhelm, fatigue, emotional exhaustion, irritability, anger, and/or emotionally distant from your loved ones. This can lead to difficulty completing or managing daily tasks, poor self-care, poor self-esteem, and apathy.
Unfortunately, mom burnout is very common and can worsen overtime if not managed. These symptoms can start impacting your relationship with your partner, children, work, and yourself.
To learn more about mom burnout and what you can do to relieve symptoms, checkout this blog.
How to Explain Mom Burnout to My Partner
Below, you will find 7 steps on how to explain mom burnout to your partner.
ATTENTION: Before you hold onto all your courage and march to your partner to explain how burned out you are feeling…
GET A PIECE OF PAPER AND PEN!
It can be super helpful to write all of these steps out on paper first so you go into the conversation clear-headed and understanding of your own needs to help relive mom burnout.
1. Create a Safe Space
What better time then now?
As encouraging as that statement is… it can be even more helpful to wait for a time that you both will will be able to give each other full attention.
This can be challenging, especially when you are constantly pulled in all directions between the children, the house, errands, appointments, work, etc. After all, you are feeling burnt out.
I encourage you to think about what time of the day/week you and your partner are most likely to have a quiet, non-distracting conversation.
If you are unsure, it can be helpful to talk to your partner ahead of time and let them know you would like to set aside time for both of you to check-in or talk about how you’ve been feeling.
If it feels like this is just not possible, you can hire a babysitter or have a family member watch the kids so you can talk, get up earlier or stay up later (you may lose a little sleep but it’s worth your overall wellbeing), or request a day off together while your kids are in childcare/school.
Do your best to remain in a calm and open manner during the conversation. Think about your voice tone, eye contact, body language, and communication. Prevent talking over each other and getting defensive. If things get too heated, you can always pause the conversation and resume in 24 hours or when both of you had enough time to cool down.
Write: What would your ideal time of day or week be to talk to your partner? Is there anything that would help create less distractions during your conversation? What can you do before entering the conversation so that you enter in a calm manner? What can you do during the conversation to remain in a calm manner?
2. Explain How You Are Impacted
When you tell your partner you are feeling burnt out by motherhood… and probably life in general, they may not understand the level of burnout you mean.
It can be quite a “normalized” way of living as a parent… exhausted, little sleep, constant events on the calendar, and lots of coffee.
It’s important to ask yourself, how is this burnt out feeling impacting my emotions and mood, relationships, finances, daily tasks, work, health, connection to my spirituality, how I view myself, etc.?
Explaining to your partner how each of these areas are directly impacted can really help them understand how much this is hurting you.
Write: In what ways are you feeling impacted emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, physically, etc? Do you notice it impacting your ability to concentrate, get tasks done, pleasure in doing things, or feeling more distant from those you love? Try to be detailed.
3. Identify Your Needs
Now that you’ve explained to your partner the direct ways mom burnout is impacting you, they have a better understanding of how you are feeling and that something needs to be different.
Your partner may have some helpful suggestions or maybe they really aren’t sure what will help.
This is when identifying your needs is important. The reality is, something does need to change to help you improve each area that is being impacted.
Next to each impacted area you listed, write down ideas of what can help. For example, if you are feeling overwhelmed by daily tasks, can some of the tasks be delegated to other members in the household? Can you split the tasks to different days of the week?
Write: For each impacted area in step 2, write down ideas of what can help. This may include getting help from others to watch the kids more, saying no to certain activities or invitations, delegating the work or house load, prioritizing self-care, etc.
4. Let Go of Guilt
I know mama, that guilt holds heavy.
I know you feel responsible for all the things you are “supposed” to do and that “you should” be able to keep it together.
I’m here to tell you that you don’t need to be perfect. Perfection does not exist!
I'm also here to tell you that comparing yourself to other moms only hurts you. Each mom is unique and incomparable. We all offer unique beauties and gifts. Yes, including you!
Asking for your needs in order to improve your overall wellbeing is necessary! I know it’s hard to ignore that feeling of guilt and like you should be doing it all, but I want you to know it’s okay to have support and for your loved ones to help you.
Accepting support and taking care of your needs, role-models to your children and others around you to do the same.
Write: Do you feel guilt asking for what you need to improve your overall wellness? Write down what that guilt is saying? What will happen if you continue to listen to the guilt? Talk back to that guilt compassionately. What would you tell a friend with these thoughts/feelings? What are the benefits to improving your wellness?
5. Be Open to Your Partner’s Needs
Your partner may want to express their own needs as a parent and even ways they may be feeling burnt out too.
This can sometimes feel validating, or it can feel dismissive to what you were trying to share with your partner.
Entering the conversation with an open mind that your partner is human and may express their feelings as well, can be significant for both of you in your relationship and as parents.
Write: Do you think your partner may be feeling burnt out? In what ways do you see your partner being impacted by parenthood and responsibilities they have to do? Write down any ideas you have that could support your partner’s burnout.
6. Make a Clear Plan
After you and your partner have expressed your feelings clearly, it’s important to come up with an action plan that will help both of you to take steps towards relieving burnout.
Some of the action plan may be things you mutually need to agree on and some may be actions to take individually.
Communicating all of this with your partner opens the door for continued conversations, accountability, and support.
Write: What actions would you and your partner need to make together? What actions do you need to make individually? What can you remind yourself if you are having a hard time accepting support? Are there any areas that would be helpful for your partner to keep you accountable in? What can they do or say to help keep you accountable?
7. Check-in Regularly
This is SUPER IMPORTANT!
How many times have you had a serious conversation with your partner, things started getting better, and then before you know it old habits kick-in again?
A lot of times this can happen because there is no follow-up to the original conversations. If there is any follow-up, it can sometiems be out of anger or resentment.
After having this conversation with your partner, disscuss when would be a good time to check-in how things are going?
It may be helpful to set the time/day on your calendars to make it a priority that both of you won’t forget. You may even want to do a routine check-in weekly or monthly.
Write: How often would you want to check-in with your partner? When would be a good time to do this that works with both of your schedules? During check-ins, what would be important to ask, review, or check-in about?
What if This Doesn’t Work
If you’ve taken all these steps, and it still feels like the communication between you and your partner just isn’t helping anything, it may be time to seek out couples counseling services.
A great way to search for a couples counselor in your area is through Psychology Today.
If you feel that mom burnout is impacting your mental health by feeling excessively anxious all the time or in a depressed mood almost every day, it may be a good idea to seek support from a mental health professional.
You are always welcome to explore my counseling services for motherhood or contact me to see if I may be able to support you.
From one mom to another, I hope this helped you in some way. Remember, you ARE an amazing mama!
Christine Quintana MA, LPC, CEDS
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels
